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5 Questions Every Woman Should Ask Themselves Before Getting Married

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Before Getting Married
The best time to get married is when each partner is mature and emotionally ready.  In other words, focusing on age as a number per se is the wrong place to focus.  Even if one argues the good point that they want to be of child-bearing age, they better feel certain about their partner’s and their own communication skills, conflict resolution skills, financial responsibility, loyalty, and capacity to sustain closeness to another person.  Without these key ingredients the chances of landing in divorce court multiply.

Mutual respect, love, and adoration for each other, choosing a lover who understands you deeply, whom you cherish as your best friend, and whom you connect with sexually is a good guideline for marriage.

Every woman should have had one or two long-term relationships prior to making a lifetime commitment of marriage.

It is crucial to have relationship experience and a baseline of comparison so that you have a point of reference with your husband.

Every woman should have a self-identification and a clear idea of who she is separate from a romantic relationship before getting hitched.

In previous generations, women of epidemic proportions married and had children without developing a career or personal identity outside of the role as wife and mother.

When the kids left home for college, many of these women experienced an identity crisis.  According to the United states Census Bureau, in 1967 36.6 million men versus 14.8 million women made up the workforce. In 2009, 56.1 million men versus 43.2 million women made up the workforce.  Those numbers are surely significantly higher and closer together today.

Every woman should have at least one good fight with her fiancee before getting hitched.

fight with her fiancee before getting hitched

Without question, the one thing someone should know about their partner BEFORE getting married is how they deal with conflicts. Every couple, even the happiest compatible couples, have occasional disagreements, misunderstandings, and differences of opinion.

You need to know that you have a willing participant in open communication without defensive postures.You want to know that your partner has self-examination skills and a capacity for accountability who won’t always blame you for problems that arise.

Every woman should make sure she has a willing and committed partner before getting married.

  
The biggest common denominator that all successful, long-lasting marriages have is two willing partners who solemnly commit to staying together “no matter what”. They have all possibilities discussed openly prior to marriage and agreed to stick it out and stay in the marriage regardless of the conflict, challenge, or issue that arises.  Today, the divorce rate is approximately 50%, much higher than in decades before.

Anything else you’d like to add?  All women should ask themselves the following 5 questions before getting hitched

1. Ask yourself, “Can I live with my partner exactly “as he is” without trying to change him?”

Most people who have a reasonable amount of flexibility can adjust to things that make you feel uncomfortable and vice versa, as we’d expect in any healthy relationship.  However, basic temperament, personality, and character does not change.  Be sure you want him just as he presents in the beginning!
 
2. Ask yourself, “Are there any blatant or non-obvious signs of abusiveness in my partner?”

abusiveness in my partner

Has he ever given me the prolonged Silent Treatment and punished me by going MIA?  Have you caught your partner lying to you or repeatedly withholding facts?  Does he ever have unexpected explosive rages?  Does he ever manipulate you sexually by coercing you into doing things you don’t want to?  These are all red flags.
 
3. Ask yourself, “If your partner sustained a traumatic injury, would you be able to be the family breadwinner without resentment and regret of choosing him as your partner?”
Our marriage vows include “for better for worse, in sickness in health” but when life throws us a curve ball is our love strong enough to endure the really rough stuff?  Does your love of your partner compare to the everlasting love of a child, parent, or sibling whom you wouldn’t discard in a crisis?  Hard to imagine but worth pondering.
 
4. Ask yourself, “Do I have a clear understanding about where I stand and where my partner stands with desire to have children?” 

Desire to Have Children

Most of the couples I see mutually want kids and a family.  However, there are a definite smaller number of couples in which one partner has strong feelings opposing having children.  You need to be crystal clear about where your partner stands on this critical issue, and more importantly, where you are.  I have treated a number of couples where this issue was a very sad deal breaker.
 
Read Next: How to Take Care of Yourself to Deal with Divorce or Relationship Breakup?

5. Ask yourself, “Is my partner of the same or different religious beliefs as I?” “What if after an unexpected life event (death of a close relative, identity crisis, etc.) he becomes more radically believing and practicing his religion and demands that your children attend parochial schools and  be raised in his religion?” 

This is a very heartbreaking scenario that I have treated in a number of families in my Beverly Hills private practice. Believe it or not, this particular challenge is one that I have never seen resolved.  When it comes to the children, parents will not bend on their beliefs about God and religion. It seems to be a definite deal breaker.

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Author

Author: Dr.Fran Walfish

Dr. Fran Walfish is a leading child, couples, family, relationship, and sex psychotherapist and author in Beverly Hills. In addition to this, she was on clinical staff in the Department of Psychiatry for 15 years. Her popular book is The Self-Aware Parent. Dr. Fran co-starred as an expert panelist on WE tv series, "Sex Box", produced by Relativity Media and appeared as an expert psychotherapist in 15 episodes on The Robert Irvine Show, CW/Tribune Networks. Get in touch with her on Twitter: @franwalfish and her website.

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